brown eyes say love me or I kill you.

fuck the god damn navy. I hate working in security and I hate getting fucked over. I swear to god that fucking nonskid keeps tearing into my asshole more and more every fucking day. lets see here, regular ship's company bitches about "not having enough time off" really? bitch go TAD to fucking security, then fucking tell me you don't get enough time off. oh, what was that? you have every weekened and every night except one night off every 8 days? hmm... let me think, when was the last time I had a fucking weekend... JULY. How fucking often do I get to go home and sleep in bed the same time as my boyfriend? oh, that would be every 4 days. but not this last week. no no no. Tuesday night we had to stay on the boat (this is while I was working days for the drills, mind you) and last night they made me come in at midnight, after I had already worked all fucking day.
oh, and you want to know something even more awesome? I go underway on friday and last night was the last time I'm going to see bill until next weekend. which he works every fucking day (he's in security on his boat as well... lovely, I know) I'm in port. but then we have a nice little 3 day underway and we're back in norfolk for a good month and a half. THANK GOD. however comma Bill's boat sucks at life, and the leave dates he has are december 30th until january 13th. mine are dec 22nd until jan 3rd. needless to say he can't come home with me for christmas.
oh, and I JUST got home. it's about 730... I was supposed to get off work at 600. but I got relieved from my watch at 645. I really wanted to take that damn shot gun and unload it into someone's face.
the only thing that made this tolerable was the amazing sex we had before I had to go to work. he said it best with "that was needed." indeed, it was. I kinda forgot the awesomeness of foreplay.  

oh, and i'm fucking LIVID about the election. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it the WHITE house... oh, and I like the fact that we have the weapons we do in our military, there is no reason whatsoever to make us 'even' with the middle east. but hey, if thats what you want, give me my damn AK-47 just like they are all authorized to carry. we'll make this shit fucking even. And I'm sorry, I don't want a fucking president who won't salute the flag, sing the national anthem, and who wants the change the fucking national emblem. apparently the flag 'isn't peaceful enough.' Bitch, go back to whereever the fuck you came from and take your little pointy finger bullshit with you. and while your at it, say hello to your mother, oh wait, you don't talk to her... could it be because she's white? no... couldn't possibly be. mother fucker, she's the only reason you were allowed to run in this election because her dumb ass decided it would be a good idea to have a baby in hawaii. I hope he's ready for all the murder attempts headed his way. wil he actually be the first black president if he never makes it into office? just wondering. because if that's the case, it'll be a short section in history books that noone will care about except those 'equal opportunity' mother fuckers who have nothinhg else to do with their time than fight for 'equality' bitch, you have just as many rights as I do. stop fucking bitching because my great great great great grandparents decided to lynch yours. get back to your damn cotton field.

phew. I feel a bit better now.

"I like how you make my heart stop when I first see you everday"
"earth-shattering"
"you take my breath away too babe"
"have I told you today how amazing you are?"
"have I told you today how beautiful you are?"

...like I said. falling for him HARD.
but who could resist when a boy says these kind of things?

"those sound like commitment words right there"
yea, they are
"you're okay with it?"
I'm prefectly fine with it.

 I must say, I like seeing people miserable when I don't think very highly of them at the moment.

we lit off the 41 today, no faults when I left, but I'm sure when I go to work tomorrow there will be.
we're lighting off the 43 tomorrow, but only to rotate it.
apparently the captain wants to see everything on the mast rotating by the end of the week...
so we'll give him one day and then tag it back out haha, SUCKA.


I'm not talking to John at least until this weekend.
I just can't look him in the eye right now.
I'm over reacting, but oh well.

it would be nice to not sit here and dwell on the past.
whether whatever it is I'm thinking about happened a year ago or this weekend.
but I guess it's shit like that which makes me Jamie. or Lofton. whatever name you know me by.
The post navy me is me, just more intense.
no lie right there.
i think if I was this way in high school everything would have turned out differently.
I wouldn't have broken myself down as early. but it's always a matter of time before it happens again. it's just how things go. for me at least.
but right now I'm good.
honestly.

wow. guys from the Whisky are total assholes.
"I thought thats all you wanted from me, so since I couldn't give it to you I referred you to a friend"
WHAT THE FUCK?
apparently I will spread my legs for anyone on this base... when actually they've been closed since I got here.

so, livejournal pretty much sucks now...
don't expect too many more updates.
unless something superextracrazy/exciting happens.

nothing new or exciting has happened.
miller moves out HELLA soon
and its kinda sad.

I spent $400 today. I have no idea on what.
oh well?
damn.

and smoking is expensive...
but I got these 'california dream' ones and I'm curious to find out what they are like.
...but I don't smoke?

ok, so I FINALLY met a guy on this base who is a hardcore kid.
and he's fucking hot.
and awesome.
and I like him.
a lot.
I met him last night at the Pier. Rodriguez and I were playing pool with Bender and I saw him and I was like "Rodriguez, that guy over there is fucking hot" and she, being drunk, was like "do you want me to go over there and tell him?" but she didn't go. but thas okay. the night gets better.
anyway, he's playing pool with some guys from the Cole and the table they were at is right next to one of those shocker machines (you know where you hold onto the metal things and it shocks you) and they were playing it so I was like "are you guys intentionally shocking yourselves?" and the guy that looks like Ian was like "yea. it's better than sex" so, duh, I was like "oka, I've gotta try this" ...it wasn't better than sex. so then Jason (the hardcore kid) and I made fun of the other guy for having really bad sex. anyway, I kinda stopped playing pool with Rodriguez and Bender and hung out with them the rest of the night. Jason was playing this shooting game and I was like "you need to concentrate" just being an ass and making fun of him, even though he has an expert ribbon, and he was like "I can't concentrate with you here." I pretty much died. then he asked me what I was doing tomorrow (sunday) and I was like "I'm probably going to North Chicago and getting my snake bites done, you want to come?" and he was like "sure, if you aren't leaving too early" half a conversation later we decided to go to the movies instead and he was like "you're going to make your snake bites wait for me?" and yea, it was cute. so, it got to be about 11:20ish (we have to be back at our ships at 11:45) and he was like "too bad my phone is dead so I can't get your number" so I pulled out my phone and was like "okay, whats yours? I'll call you later tonight and then you'll have mine" so I got it and he was like "wait, let me call it real quick to make sure it's my phone" so he did and then I left him a message "hey, I met this really hot guy at the Pier tonight and I think this is his number, so give me a call back later" and he was siting right there. it was funny. then, when we were all leaving I gave him a hug and he kissed me... hehe. first of all, PDA isn't allowed on base. and... there isn't a second of all. haha. but it was so cute. and I was pretty much skipping the whole way home, and i guess he was too, at least he said he was. haha, he's so hot. oh man. and he's a drummer... what is it with me and guys in bands. We were on the phone last night until about 1:30. hehe. I wish I could just replay all of last night and earlier today over again and over again. May is going to suck and I'm going to be sad.
Today we went to Gurnee and saw Hitcher. it was disgusting. and even though it wasn't that scary, I pretended it was, because, duh, kisses. I missed holding hands. Holding hands is pretty much the greatest thing ever.
but yea, he's from Texas and he just turned 20 and he is effing hot and listens to amazing music and ihearthim!!!
yea. I've had a good weekend.
and I got phase two, so I wasn't in my uniform all effing weekend. thank god.
it's funny how things work out.
last night he said "I was talking to Simpson about how I never meet any hot girls here who are my type, and on the way back home we laughed because the night I said that I did meet one"
I'm setting myself up for something painful, but it's worth it.

my mom didn't freak out about the tattoo as much as I thought.
I still don't plan on telling my dad until he sees a pictures of my from the polar bear plunge... oh yea, I'm jumping into the lake on the 8th. I'm stupid but it'll be hella effing rad.
Meaney leaves really soon. it makes me sad. she's my favorite. and now I'm going to be stuck with a 3rd class who doesn't know military time or the effing Sailors Creed. fucking reservists. ugh. and it doesn't help that shes black. but I didnt say that...

intervention sucked tonight.
it was a cutter and a girl who took pain killers...
sophmore through senior year much?
yea. it sucked.
and i wanted to take a vicodin and cut myself.
and my roommates were being fucking gay the whole time and i wanted to punch them in the face

I keep saying that I don't regret anything.
I keep hoping it's true.
but everyday I find more and more things that i wish I did/didn't do.
but thats not regret?
i don't know.

I love hearing boys say "I'm not sXe anymore"
it brightens my day.
just a bit.

I wish I had enogh cigarettes to last me until next weekend when I can get more.
but I don't. so I'm trying to not smoke today.
I slept in until 2, which helped a lot.
but i really really want one right now. UGH!!!
Tomorrow morning at 8... smoke deck muster at ATT and I get to see that boy I met the night before we all left who was like "why have i never seen you before?!" and he was effing hot and I'd tap that shit in a second.
haha, all of this over a fucking cigarette

I could quit. but I don't want to. I'll wait until quitting will actually be a hard thing to do. and then I can dwell on it for 2 and a half months. oh wait, that's something else. dude, we just had ou piss test. I can take a vicodin now and it won't matter. it's so damn tempting. actually, taking ANYTHING right now is tempting. and yes, it does make things better. even if it is just for a little bit. that's better than nothing, right? and it's not like I can just be drunk all the time here.

yea. but I'm okay.
well, I would be if I could drive around listening to dd,g hella loud and end up somewhere amazing. but that doesn't seem like it's going to happen any time soon. so yea. whatever.

I feel like I wasted my leave.
there is so much shit I should have done while I was here.
[like hang out with brian cowan...]

next time it'll be better.
I won't be here for 10 days and only spend one day with Jex and Rose.
and I'll see James, Cameron, Josh Nolan, Eric, and everyone I didn't see this time.
because I'm lame like that.
or something.

my room is still shitty
but it'll be clean tomorrow when I pack.
hopefully.

I'm ready to go home.
but it'll be nice to come back in July
[for your favorite holiday, Jex]

...wow.
this pain killer is fucking amazing.
all I need to do is get a good idea and get that rush of blood going and wham, I'm good to go.

now, all I need is a good ONS and this night will be tolerable.


I can not fucking wait to go back to Chicago and put all this shit behind me. and start fucking hot Navy boys and not think about the boy back home who ripped my heart out and doesn't seem to even fucking care.

I need a fucking cigarette

couldn't have said it better myself, love.

New Years Resolution : to never fall in love with a stupid young boy who I met at a show. actually, to not meet boys at shows. because the last three guys I've met at shows, I fucked and I felt like shit, so there you go. no more boys at shows.

I had to leave before I punched Kelsey in the face. Rose, remember her, she was in our geometry class. Well, she's his new girlfriend. FUnny thing is she's fucking going to Europe in the fall. Setting himself up for heartache again? I fucking hope so. actually I hope they break up before she takes my belt off him and then he can come to Chicago for a weekend and things can go back to how they should be. He HATES blondes and she's very much blonde and shes not scene AT FUCKING ALL and I don't see what he sees in her. and FUCKING AND during their set she answered her phone. WHAT THE FUCK!? I didn't even do that. not once the whole time, fuck that, any time I saw them play, actually, any fucking time I was with him. Larry gave me this pain killer that started with an N and it's a fucking good thing I left when I did. There is no fucking way he can like her more than me. no fucking way. and when I got there they were standing like they were just friends, not like when we were together and couldn't keep off of each other. it's fucking rediculous. and I hate her. no I don't, I'm just jealous and I don't understand. there is NOTHING obvious that they have in common. NOTHING. Too bad I don't realize how shitty of a person Chris is. You'd think I'd be able to seperateemotion from fucking fact, but apparently I'm female and I can't do that. whatever. thank god for pain killers and alcohol and passing out and having a wonderful new fucking year.

he still looked at me more during their set

yesterdays horoscope...

"A short, casual conversation could evolve into a lengthy discussion that goes around in circles today -- but you and your curious mind will love every minute of it. Dig into some complex, multifarious issues, and explore their many facets and subtle nuances. No two people experience the same reality -- and when two people try to explain their realities to each other, the resulting conversation can be quite fascinating. Listen carefully -- you might hear something that blows your mind. "


thanks Jex for reminding me of this shit.

and I don't like how fucking accurate it is, even if it's total bull shit.

Tonight should be fun. I fucking hope.
12 hours left.
that means about 8 until I should see him.
why the fuck does this get to me?!

ETID covering Guns and Roses is fucking HILARIOUS!!!

not only is it acoustic
but there are like 5 people singing
and it's effing amazing.

and they are singing about killing someone and burying her in the back yard...
I love them so damn much

I shouldn't be scared to ask someone if they want to hang out.
especially someone who knows me better than anyone.


...I still want to sit on the roof and look out into nothing with someone.